Having a crush can induce a whirlwind of feelings—and a viral TikTok trend is prompting the question, how far should you let those feelings take you?
Over 160 million posts on the social media platform reveal the extreme things people have done to appeal to their love interests after they expressed certain preferences. From eye color to dance skills to special interests, TikTok users shared old social media posts targeted toward their crushes—and the results are hilarious.
One video with nearly 23 million views revealed a woman’s efforts to look like Ariana Grande after her crush said he liked the pop star. “I’m so embarrassed for you,” one person commented. “But you did kind of pull it off.”
Two people flirt with each other over coffee. Relationship expert Nicole Moore spoke to Newsweek about the potentially harmful effects changing oneself for a crush. Two people flirt with each other over coffee. Relationship expert Nicole Moore spoke to Newsweek about the potentially harmful effects changing oneself for a crush. fizkes/Getty Images
As the trend sends the internet down memory lane, relationship expert Nicole Moore told Newsweek about the unexpected impact such efforts can have on one’s self-esteem.
“The thing about a crush is, it almost always crushes our sense of self in some way,” Moore said. “If you believe you have to change who you fundamentally are to win a crush over, you’re basically telling yourself that you are not good enough to be loved as you are.”
Another video, posted by @becksandquest, opened with the caption: “That time my crush posted how he liked ‘skater girls’ so I posted this the next day.” The clip, with over 5 million views, revealed a younger version of the creator jumping onto a skateboard and wearing a beanie.
While many of the videos are lighthearted, Moore points to a deeper truth in our desperate longing for a crush’s affection—it is often born out of insecurity.
“An interesting thing about crushes is that they almost always serve as a distraction mechanism to avoid one’s own feelings of insecurity or fear,” she said. “Often, those who crush the hardest are harboring deep-seated feelings of insecurity; they’ll project intense longing on to another person, so their focus is on trying to win someone over instead of looking within to their own insecurities.”
Crushes Are Inherently ‘Intense’
Stock image of a woman sitting alone and looking thoughtful. A TikTok trend in which people share the things they’ve done for crushes is raising an important question about self-esteem. Stock image of a woman sitting alone and looking thoughtful. A TikTok trend in which people share the things they’ve done for crushes is raising an important question about self-esteem. simonapilolla/Getty Images
Moore said that crushes are different from typical love interests in that there are often intense feelings of “longing, desire, and infatuation” involved, which can be confusing and potentially distressing.
“A crush is an intense sense of longing to be with someone who you perceive as unattainable or above you in some way, and it’s this idea that a crush is just out of your reach that causes people to sometimes compromise or change themselves,” she said.
Changing yourself may even backfire to the point of your crush finding you less attractive: “The more you try and please your crush, the less likely they will be to want to be with you long-term, because pleasing to the detriment of oneself often comes across as insecurity—which is a typically unattractive trait when it comes to romance,” Moore said.
Crushing With a ‘Core Essence’
Stock image of a man and woman talking at a party. Relationship expert Nicole Moore told Newsweek about how people can maintain a sense of self while having a crush. Stock image of a man and woman talking at a party. Relationship expert Nicole Moore told Newsweek about how people can maintain a sense of self while having a crush. Drazen Zigic/Getty Images
While insecurity and infatuation can create the perfect storm for unusual behaviors, you don’t have to lose your sense of self completely when it comes to crushes. The first step, Moore said, is accessing your “true self” and knowing your value.
“You want to always measure someone else’s preferences and desires against what you feel is your true self first,” she said. “If you love who you are and have a great sense of self, you’ll be willing to be open to another’s presence or desires, but not if they take you too far away from your core essence.”
Knowing your core essence and your value as a human being can help lower crushes from the idealized pedestal you’ve placed them on.
“Move your crush to their rightful place as just another human being who you may or may not be compatible with,” Moore said.
As TikTok users participating in the trend are celebrated for their impressive shape-shifting, Moore’s words intend to prevent history from repeating itself.
“If you have to change who you fundamentally are to win love, you’re not really winning that person’s love anyway,” she said. “That person doesn’t actually love your real self, they love the false self you’ve created.”
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